Useless Aliens Built Pyramids And Forgot To Sign Them
A heatstroke-induced rebuke to pyramids conspiracy theories
Press release beamed from interstellar space:
"We, the people of planet Rabiun, light years away from your blue planet, are offended that you question that we built the large stone pyramids in the country you call Egypt.
Who in his right mind would think that the local people built these gigantic things for their kings?
Why do you not understand that we crossed the universe to build massive monuments on your planet instead of our own?
Look at how advanced our technology is.
We can travel at the speed of light, so we demonstrated our superior engineering by stacking stones on each other.
Are you not impressed?
Our technicians did well in conceiving this grand plan—traveling the immensity of space to build massive monuments—but failed in one major way.
These guys are clever enough to create spaceships and build pyramids, but not to the point of thinking of claiming ownership!
They were so enthusiastic about building wonders on the other side of the universe that they forgot that you, the primitive people of Earth, need to be reminded that a superior species did this!
You say that we left nothing behind, even by accident. For example, a tool made of this fancy metal we use for our spaceships.
Any alien object discovered inside the pyramids would prove it was us, wouldn't it?
But these clever engineers were so efficient at piling one stone over another that they did not even leave one tool behind.
They left the place wiped clean as if we had never been there.
There is no equivalent in our language, but in yours, the word is nerd, and it is not fair to judge our civilization by the actions of our geeks.
Not one of these nerds considered carving, in gigantic letters:
BUILT BY ENGINEERS FROM PLANET RABIUN.
Furthermore, please ignore those among you who say pyramids are nuclear reactors.
If you could produce electricity with a pile of stone, your climate problem would be solved in a minute.
Think logically.
Does it not make more sense that we came from the other side of the universe, built colossal monuments, and returned home without leaving a trace?"
—That cheeky story really was written somewhere in the Egyptian desert on a scorching day.
"Aliens built pyramids" vs. facts about ancient Egypt
However, its inspiration is not from social media nonsense or witnessing gurus inside the Great Pyramid.
You may not know what I am referring to: the gurus who promise new-age types a 'transcendental experience.'
They sit inside the burial chamber and close their eyes.
The leader's chants are amplified by the reverberation inside the pyramid, and they contact the aliens or feel the nuclear energy, whatever that is.
(I could not stop myself and said out loud, "The guru will propose to the prettiest girl a personal transcendental experience tonight, room 38.")
The story's origins lie in the first time I saw the pyramids, 1999, before social media.
I did bump into two French guys, and I witnessed them fall on their knees and stretch their arms open. They then told me that aliens built the pyramids.
Ever since I have strived to learn about ancient Egypt.
Reality Is More Interesting Than Fiction
Conspiracy types say there is no proof that pyramids were the tombs of kings. Yet, just for the first pyramid, Djoser’s, we have:
the name of the King inscribed on reliefs on the walls of the subterranean galleries, as well as on his statue a few meters outside the pyramid.
mummy fragments:
In 1821, von Minutoli discovered parts of a mummy with a heavily gilded skull and gilded sandals, inside underground passages.
In 1934, Jean-Philippe Lauer discovered inside Djoser's sarcophagus a foot still wrapped in linen and bones.
One can argue whether the remains are Djoser’s, but there is more to come in a future Story on pyramids.
The point is that if there is one subject on which reality is more interesting than fiction, it is ancient Egyptian civilization.
This is why, on Art Journey Moments of Wonder, you will get fascinating facts, and enjoy captivating but true stories:
And to illustrate that a story can be both funny and based on facts: